Chessville - Top Ten Tell-Tale Signs of Chess Addiction

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Top Ten

Tell-tale

Signs of...

Chess Addiction

by Robert T. Tuohey, M.Sc.

"Mommy, what’s a chess-a-holic?"

Leading Iraqi clerics, good men that they are, have seen through the subtleties of Satan’s game, and have banned chess. Allah bless them! George W. Bush, good old boy that he is, never even learned the moves of the game. God bless America!

World leaders are thus in agreement: Chess is a dangerous form of mental addiction.

What about you? Do you see people as pawns? Yourself as king? Friend, the mere fact that you’re here at Chessville reading this article ain’t exactly in your favor.

For your own good, for the sake of your loved ones, take e few minutes to determine if you are a chess-o-holic.

Answer yes or no to the following questions:

As soon as you are out of bed, you log onto Chessclub.com "just for a quickie".
The bottom four links of the intellectual food-chain are fish, potzers, weakies, and "jerks who can’t even play".
When with your "most significant other" at that "most significant moment" you yell "Mate! Mate!"
In the absence of a most significant other, you fondle your Staunton pieces.
Kramnik excites you.

Choose the response which fits you best:
Gentlemen, you find yourself seated on a bus next to this woman. Do you:
1. Whip out your best come-on line;
2. Whip out your little black book and ask the lady why her name’s not in it;
3. Whip out your pocket-sized Russian dictionary;
4. Whip out your pocket-sized chess set, push e-4, and growl, "Yer move, grandmaster!"
Ladies, you find yourself seated on a bus next to this man. Do you:
1. Whip out your best "come-on-big-boy" look
2. Whip out your patented pervert-repellent pepper spray;
3. Whip out your Nikes and run for your life
4. See above
The threat of global annihilation via nuclear holocaust:
1. Is a result of the man above.
2. Is the result of articles like this.
3. Is evidence that we are in "End-Times"
4. What the hell does that have to do with chess?
Vladimir Nabokov was:
1. A Russian James Joyce with a dash of Poe in his veins.
2. A fellow with a taste for unripe fruit.
3. A butterfly chaser.
4. Some guy who wrote a book about a nutty chess player.
Chess is:
1. A metaphor for truth and beauty.
2. A mystery all insoluble.
3. Better than "doing the wild thing."
4. ________________________(Fill in the blank)

Scoring:

The mere fact that you took this test counts against you: negative 10 points.
For every "yes" answer you gave, that’s negative another 10, pal.
For every answer "d" you gave, you know what to do. (By the way, if you answered both questions 6 and 7, you have problems well beyond the scope of this article.)
If you choose "d" for number 10 and said "Life", please close this web-page and go get one.

Rating:

-30 to –50: Incipient Chess Addict. Seek professional help now! It’s not too late for you to get into a more healthy, fulfilling lifestyle, such as bungee-cord jumping, crocodile wrestling, or monster-truck fairs!
-60 to –80: Confirmed Chess Abuser. Buddy, you’re a mess. With bloodshot eyes, you stagger from game to game, loose pawns in your raggedy pockets. You have so many old game-scores lying around your house that you use them for toilet-paper (which you forgot to buy). Do you think your mama had you so you could hit the board like Alekhine hit the bottle? Think it over.
-90 an up. Ugante: You despise me, don’t you? Rick: If I gave you any thought, I probably would.

Credits:

For more fine quality pictures of children visit: http://www.srgreenhill.co.uk/index.htm

For more fine pix and info on Sasha : http://www.kosteniuk.com/

For GK pix (but why?) http://chessbase.com

Last, if you haven’t seen Casablanca, if I gave you any thought…

See also Past Pawns - Robert Tuohey's continuing series of sketches of the lives and chess of interesting and often ignored chess lights of the past. "One of the delights of chess, indeed as with all the arts, is the discovery and exploration of the forgotten or obscure work that is, despite its anonymity, unquestionably beautiful. And then, as you ponder the intricacies of that gem you have just stumbled upon, don’t you find yourself wondering about the personality, the human being, that created it? And what of the times that person lived in?"