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Chessville
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Thompson's Battle This story appeared in
the August 2004 issue of
CHESS monthly. Since the story of Thompson’s Dilemma was told, several people have asked me if there are any other Thompson tales to be related. This prompted me to think back to the time when Thompson first appeared at our club after returning to the North East from the Midlands. During our first chat with him we soon realized we had a character on our hands as he told us that he had once played the “Grandmaster of Lincoln.” Although unable to beat this distinguished personage he had given him a good run for his money. We were also informed that Thompson often played the Polish opening (pronounced as in shoe polish) and as black he usually essayed the Grundig Defence if allowed. As I reflected, other incidents in Thompson’s colourful membership of our chess club came to mind ......... Thompson and the stuffed turtle, Thompson and the exploding crutch ........., but perhaps it is time to tell of Thompson’s Battle. You may recall that Thompson took his chess very seriously and this extended to passing comments on other people’s games. This, together with his habit of punctuating his remarks with a sort of grunt (something like “mmphh”), was liable to cause extreme annoyance. One member of the club, a genial Irishman named Paddy O’Connor, was particularly disturbed by this habit of Thompson’s and on a memorable occasion it became too much for him. Paddy was engaged in a championship game with Banger Haswell when Thompson appeared beside the board and started to make comments. After a while Paddy politely asked Thompson to desist. This had no effect and after an exceptionally annoying sequence of “Mmphh, I wouldn’t have done that” and “Mmphh, didn’t think much of that,” Paddy lost his rag. Emitting a stream of Irish curses which considerably enhanced the vocabulary of those within earshot, he leaped to his feet, seized Thompson by the lapels of his jacket and dragged him into the cloakroom next door. For a couple of minutes various gasps, grunts and thumps came from the room, but nobody else dared enter. Then there was a resounding crash which, as we later discovered, resulted from the two combatants knocking over the free standing coat rack as they struggled with each other. This seemed to bring the fight to an end and shortly afterwards Paddy and Thompson reappeared, breathless, flushed and disheveled. They were given a strong talking to by club chairman Arthur Silk, informally known as Acker due to the similarity of his name to that of a well known virtuoso of the clarinet who was popular at that time. The proceedings were then further enlivened by the appearance of a shapely young lady dressed in a judo outfit. She had been sent up from the downstairs martial arts club to ask if the noise could be kept down as they could not hear their instructor as he explained to them how to throw people forcefully to the ground then strangle them, break their limbs or dislocate their joints. Strangely enough we in the chess club had never heard a sound as these vigorous exercises took place beneath us. Nobody was inclined to argue with the lady as she was wearing a black belt, although one of the younger members was heard to remark that he wouldn't mind grappling with her on the mat. Profuse apologies were given by Acker. Acker then got everyone back to playing chess and things gradually settled down, although it was a while before Thompson and Paddy got their breath back and rearranged their clothing. Thompson had lost several buttons and Paddy’s tie was torn. Shortly afterwards Thompson went home and Paddy resumed his game. Paddy won in a few more moves as his opponent had completely lost concentration. Banger was afterwards heard to remark that he didn’t mind losing as it was the most entertaining chess game he had ever played in. For weeks afterwards club members would challenge each other by raising their fists in a pugilistic stance and aggressively asking “Wanna play chess?” The irony of this was lost on Thompson who, instead of holding people in lengthy conversations about endgames, would endlessly relate to anyone who was unlucky enough to be buttonholed by him how he had torn Paddy’s tie. But that is not the end of the story. Two weeks later the draw for the next round of the club championship was made. Sure enough Paddy’s opponent was to be none other than Thompson. Acker, a man of instant decision, immediately announced that in view of previous events this game would be played in a separate room in which two boards would be set up with a partition between them. He, Acker, would personally convey the moves between the two participants, thus preventing any physical contact between the players. Spectators would be allowed, but not within six feet of the game. In due course everything was set up, the playing area was roped off and an electric atmosphere built up as a crowd of spectators waited expectantly. It was a bit like a boxing match as first Acker appeared and then the two contestants were separately led in and escorted to their seats. After a brief pep talk to each player by Acker, the clocks were started and play commenced. Both players concentrated on their boards and Acker was kept very busy trotting backwards and forwards as they quickly made their opening moves. Then things slowed down and Acker had to keep asking the onlookers to remain silent as they began to kibitz the game. Paddy built up an attacking formation but Thompson defended well. The game seemed about even, then Acker made a drastic error. Thompson’s Knights were on adjacent squares and when Thompson moved one of them in a solid move, Acker moved the wrong Knight, which happened to be preventing checkmate, on Paddy’s board. Paddy spotted the mate immediately and punched the air in triumph as he picked up his queen to administer the coup de grace. Unfortunately the air he punched was occupied by Acker’s head as he realized his mistake and leaned over the board to correct it. Half stunned, Acker reeled into the partition and knocked it over on to Thompson’s table. Chess pieces flew in all directions and ended up on the floor. Thompson jumped up in alarm and knocked his chair over. Acker sank to the ground, shaking his head in an attempt to clear it, then shouting in pain as he knelt on various chess pieces. Paddy dashed round and tried to help Acker up. Acker, still unsure where he was, thought he was being attacked and wrestled Paddy to the floor where they thrashed around. By then Thompson had come round the table and tried to part the combatants. Nobody knew whether it was Paddy or Acker, but a hand reached up, grasped Thompson firmly by the throat, and dragged him down to the ground where he too became embroiled in the struggle. At the same time the spectators at the back pushed forward to see what was happening. Those at the front were propelled into the ropes and then into the three figures scrambling on the floor. Several of them fell over in a general tangle of ropes and bodies. Perhaps I should earlier have compared the scene to a wrestling match as it resembled nothing so much now as one of those battles where the ring is filled with numerous wrestlers committing mayhem upon each other. Then things started to get out of hand. The door opened and a crowd of judoka from downstairs erupted into the room, asking where the action was and offering to sort out any troublemakers. Within seconds several innocent bystanders, who admittedly were making a lot of noise, found themselves in various chokes, strangles and arm locks as the martial arts students enthusiastically took the opportunity to put into practice the teachings of their instructor. The size of the group on the floor increased dramatically as various people in white suits and coloured belts threw themselves into the fray. Fortunately Acker had recovered his senses and managed to extricate himself. With a masterly show of authority he defused the situation and restored order before anyone suffered permanent damage. It was with some disappointment that the martial arts students returned to their class, and I noticed Thompson being helped away by two sturdily built girls. We later learned that Thompson had sustained an injury to his back and went downstairs on the promise of some Japanese style treatment. The chess game was declared a draw by Acker as nobody was in a fit state to play after all the excitement. It was some time before people went home after discussing the evening’s events. The following week Acker resigned as Chairman. The martial arts instructor had been so impressed with the way Acker had calmed everyone down that he had offered to train him as a referee. Acker had accepted as he felt this was less dangerous then keeping order in our chess club. He went on to have a distinguished career refereeing judo, karate and kendo matches with great authority. Thompson still came to the chess club, but not so frequently. His lady friends had persuaded him to join the judo club after curing his back injury by the esoteric method of walking up and down on his spine. He could hardly refuse after such intimacy. His conversations were now centred on various judo techniques, which left his unwilling listeners puzzled and even more bored. I remember on one occasion when he managed to trap me he related how, in a contest with a lady friend, he had attacked her with an ogoshi and achieved hiki-wake. I was not brave enough to enquire as to the meaning of this. On another occasion he came to the club proudly wearing a green belt which he had just won in competition in the judo club. Two of the judoka became members of the chess club, probably in the hope of more violence, and developed into fine attacking players. They always charmed their opponents by bowing to them before starting play, and then bewildered them by saying “Hajime” which apparently means begin. It was some time before we persuaded them not to give a judo cry of “Hai!!” when administering checkmate. This disconcerted their opponents who would often reply “Hello?” in some confusion.
Such were some of the quieter nights at our
chess club during Thompson’s sojourn there. You should have been there
when it got noisy.
Copyright R. Canter, 2000
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