Chessville - Measure Your Chess Aggressiveness - by Robert Morrell and Daren Dillinger

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Measure Your Chess Aggressiveness
By Robert Morrell and Daren Dillinger

We all know that chess is a war game, and while some of us go at it on the boards like cerebral Rambos - always punching, always finding some way to be aggressive and be in our opponent's face! . . . Others play too nice. Imagine a game by George McGovern, Jimmy Carter or Mahatma Gandhi. How aggressive are you? Do you go for broke or dance around waiting for an opponent to throw you a mistake?

The following test is scientifically designed to rank your aggressive tendencies on the board. Check your answers with the score key at the end and see how you rate.

1) Early in the game, your opponent collapses of an apparent heart attack. His wife and children gather round, and after exchanging tearful farewells with them, he looks up, and with life fading from his eyes, asks you for a draw. In response, you:

A) Accept immediately.
B) Analyze the position on the board first.
C) Tell him that you wouldn't give a draw to your dying mother, whom you love dearly.
D) Try to push him over the edge by announcing mate in three.

2) When psyching yourself up for a game, you visualize yourself:

A) Extending your hand across the board and wishing your opponent "best of luck".
B) Crushing your opponent's pieces with a hammer.
C) Strangling your opponent with your bare hands.
D) Ransacking your opponent's village and carrying off his women.

3) You view your opponent's pawns as:

A) Potential Queens.
B) The shape of his position.
C) Juicy morsels to be gobbled up.
D) Speed bumps.

4) You view your own pawns as:

A) Potential Queens.
B) An integral part of your strategy.
C) Expendables in your kingside attacks.
D) Howitzer shells.

5) You will consider a pawn rush only:

A) When you have safely castled on the opposite wing.
B) When playing a lower rated player.
C) When you have more than a piece advantage.
D) When it is your turn.

6) Endgames are:

A) When the Queens are off the board.
B) Sometimes unavoidable.
C) When your opponent won't resign.
D) Only for weenies who can't finish off their opponents in the middlegame.

7) You are playing an eight year old, who leaves his Queen hanging in a complex position. He begins to cry. Your response is:

A) Offer to stop the clock while he regains his composure.
B) Capture the Queen without comment.
C) Pick up the Queen with a chuckle and remark "Won't be long now!"
D) Call the child's mother over to the board... Rip his Queen off, and tell her to take her baby home, because he's not ready to be a chess player.

8) After leaving your own Queen hanging against an eight year old you would:

A) Resign gracefully and offer congratulations for a great win.
B) Smile knowingly to bluff him into not capturing her.
C) Announce mate in eight.
D) Tell him of an obscure rule about taking back moves that he's too young to know about.

9) You will sacrifice your Queen only:

A) When you see a forced mate.
B) As a last attempt in a losing game.
C) For an overwhelming positional advantage.
D) When it rips open your opponent's position . . . Let the pieces fall where they may!

10) For an open file on your opponent's King you would sacrifice:

A) A pawn.
B) A minor piece.
C) A major piece.
D) Your soul.

11) You might consider the Caro-Kann defense (yawn . . . ) when:

A) Playing against e4.
B) Playing against someone you knew was unbooked.
C) Playing a non-tournament game.
D) You've had a mind-crippling stroke.

12) When you first spot a winning combination, appropriate behavior would be to:

A) Look at your clock to see how much time you can spend checking it out.
B) Giggle.
C) Drool while laughing gruffly under your breath.
D) Laugh out loud while raising your hand and pointing your finger directly at your opponent's nose...touching his nose is okay if you tweak it hard.

ANSWER KEY

Scoring: A=0, B=1, C=3, D=5

0 to 12: Conscientious objector. You are a pacifist in the war game of chess. Negotiating a draw is your biggest thrill. Should you accidentally win, you feel obligated to buy your opponent lunch.

13 to 26: Innocent bystander. You'll pick up wins if they fall in your lap.

27 to 39: Reluctant aggressor. You'll do the "aggression thing" when backed into a corner, or when your wife tells you its time to leave and finish up your stupid game. ("Yes, dear")

40 to 56: Rambo aggressor. You don't play defenses, just offenses minus a tempo. You like openings with names like "The Blackmar-Diemer Gambit", "The Fried Liver Attack", "The Can Opener", or "The Berserker".

57 to 60: Psycho. Congratulations! You are the "Main Man". A danger to yourself and others. At home you kill small animals or low-rated chess players for amusement. All of your opponents are beaten within 20 moves, or they get beaten up side the head . . . Their choice!

Previously Published in the California Chess Journal, April/May 2004. Winner, Chess Journalists of America 1st place award for best humor piece. Reprinted by permission of the author, Daren Dillinger.

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